On being a "superhero".

I've always wanted to come back.
Really.
I believe that this is my homeland, so that's just the place I ought to be.

I was at the OCF Convention in Melbourne in 2006, and something that convinced me even more that I should come back to Malaysia was this OMF video they showed during one of the workshops.
And I remember one of the missionaries just briefly, but excitedly, saying that God had told him, "I'm there. Come and join me".

So, God is in Malaysia.
Yes, He is.
All I had to do was decide if I wanted to join Him in what He was doing here.

That was how it started.

But somewhere along the way, I must have thought that I was gonna be a superhero and "save" Malaysia.

My name is Qian. Some people know me as Patience. (That's a story by itself)
I was a psychology student at UniSA, Adelaide mid-2006 to mid-2007.
I knew Esther and Mindy from HELP days.
Just couldn't get rid of them.
Now I probably couldn't survive without them.

Like most of you, I had a fantastic experience in Australia, albeit a short one.
After I came back, I got myself a job at Malaysian Care. 1 year later. (That's also another story).

Well, to be perfectly honest, saving Malaysia hasn't looked at all like what I imagined.
Maybe I'm just trying to do something with my life so that I will feel...

That I'm important.

That I'm needed.

That I am contributing to the Kingdom of God.

But what is life anyway?
In Ecclesiastes, Solomon states over and over again, that everything in life is meaningless.

You would think that working in full-time ministry would be rewarding.
But the realities of life just make it seem stupid.
It's all fine and dandy to say "have faith" when your transport costs less than AUD20 per week, you have great support from OCF and your awesome church in Australia, and the future looks promising.

I've discovered that being in full-time ministry is not easy. (I know, like duh, right?).

It's not been easy to give back when I have a beat-up car, no savings and I'm still counting on other people's charity. (Definitely helps you to stay humble, though).

It's not been easy to stay in a church that (I feel) is not nourishing my spirit.

It's not been easy to see God when discouragement comes along.

It's not been easy knowing that you're a sinner, and so is everyone in your "Christian" office.

It's not been easy trying to accept that maybe I'm not meant for full-time work.

It's not been easy trying to see that God is God wherever I am.

Malaysia. Australia. In a Christian organization. In the marketplace. With the hearing. With the Deaf.

I've been challenged with this every. single. day.
Did I really mean it when I called Him LORD?

I sing it so carelessly.

I really thought I meant it when I was worshiping in Edge.

I really believed it when I was with my OCF buddies hanging out in Magill.

When I was baking cupcakes, or cooking with my housemates.

But I really have to fight it with all my might here in Malaysia.
Can you really fight it without the support you had in Australia?

Is God really "all I need"?
Now it just sounds naive.
"I simply live for You". .
Wow.
Did I really sing that?

But... I still believe in God.
And I trust that His word is true.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for peace, not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)

Whatever His plan may be for my life, I know that my identity cannot be fulfilled in the "perfect" job.

And I have to believe that there is a GOOD purpose for my life, and for me to be in Malaysia. (And no, it doesn't look like marriage is the reason).

I'm not saying I feel this way. But it's the only thing I can cling to.

It feels like I'm clutching onto this with just my fingertips, trying not to fall off the ledge.
It hurts, and my fingers are getting tired, and I'm really, really, REALLY scared that I'm gonna die (or something that feels like death).

I kinda feel like Jacob.
Wrestling with God, and saying "NOOOO! I refuse to believe that this is it! I'm not gonna let You off until You promise me something better! Bless me! BLESS ME!!!!!"

..............

I guess what I'm saying is... this is all I've got.
To have faith that God knows what He's doing even when I don't.
To consider that maybe the only thing I CAN do, is try to know God a little bit more.
Coz trust me, there have been countless times that I feel I'm not doing anything. Like, SERIOUSLY.

Having had some experience in the caring ministry, I realize some of the perceptions I had about ministry work and coming home was that I would make a big difference in a short amount of time.
I guess that's what happens when you live in an "instant" generation.
Microwaves, Internet, SMS-ing, 3G, Preferred parking, online bookings, u name it, we've got it.

But ministry is seldom like that.
It takes a long time to see fruit.
Sometimes we may end up like Abraham or Moses.
We might not even be the ones to see the promised land, although we worked our butts off to get there.
Ministry is often very slow, very tough going.
Can you imagine trying to teach a child to recognize a picture of an apple everyday for 3 months?
Most moms of kids with special needs have to.
Superman, Batman or Spiderman come in, they save the day and get the girl in 3 hours. Or less.
I guess God's sense of timing is quite different.
And I guess His idea of a hero is quite different too.

I don't have a wonderful success story to tell you. My life, as it stands, hasn't been such a great success thus far.
But if you're looking to fight a battle, Malaysia's the place for you.
Being in my line of work, I see the needs all around me. So yes, definitely Malaysia needs people to come home.

I'm not a superhero. And I certainly don't feel like one.
Despite all the difficulties I've had being home, I don't think I would have been satisfied in Australia either.
It would have gotten too comfortable. And I may have forgotten my need for God.
Somewhere, somehow, I just gotta trust that God's gonna make a masterpiece outta me and my life.
Coz that's all I've got.

I just gotta keep moving while I'm waiting.